Ben.

Ben, ben, is a millium cheng, he's so crazy, he's so lazy, beng!

He won't sleep,

he won't drink,

all he does is blink blink blink!

WHERE ARE YOU!

BEN IS GOO!

HE WONT TAKE YOU ROOHOOHOO!

Can you see him, sing a song, take him when you go along!

BEN!

Just a dirty whore.

'I'm just a dirty whore,' I thought to myself as I clicked about on the internet. I've done some terrible things in the past but this really takes the cake. This really takes the cake and mushes it all over my chest, and rubs the icing into my chest hairs, takes a fist full of delicious, carrot cake and smears it across my ugly disgraced face. It was as if I had just become married, the whore-wife to some groom who has not yet taken a physical form in this metaphor which so easily turned against me and made my meager attempts at being a clever writer look like the uncontrollable train of crazed thoughts that belong in the ripped and shit-covered journal of some mental patient from that movie Gothika.

I had committed one of blogging's worst crimes imaginable, I had considered, nay, desired, a change of blog hosting websites.

Blogspot knows this, as I type, Blogspot uses its 'Save Now' function to regularly keep track of where I'm up to in case my browser crashes (Google Chrome wouldn't) so that I don't lose my work (it wouldn't matter). Blogspot looks at me, stares at me through that strangely shaped B in the top left corner, like the misshapen eye of some child that I have betrayed. Stares at me, and cries.

Boy-o, what about that Wordpress website 'though?! Looks pretty sleek, you gotta admit.

What's this?! A serious blog?!!

Hello all,

this is potentially the first (I don't remember) and probably the last (who can say, I'm not great at sticking to promises I make myself) serious blog that I will ever do.

And in saying that, the only thing serious about it is that the words that will follow are all true.

This music video, by We Are Scientists comes as breath of fresh air for me, swimming around in a sea of uncertainty about who I am and who I want to be when I am older, a breath of fresh oxygen which will keep me alive while I am underwater in this sea of tempestuous waters which I shall, for the sake of this post, call Growing Up.

The song, 'Rules Don't Stop Me' initially presents itself as a lame, outdated stab at authority figures, the theme of the song is basically what would happen if Bart Simpson never really grew up, but moved to New York with his heart set on proving to the world that he truly was a rebel.

However, the video itself is so 'sillie' that I felt the immeasurable urge to spend the rest of my life trying to embody exactly what goes on in these 2 minutes and 16 seconds. They jump around, they get someone's dad involved in the video, they have their heads turn into giant cubes, they cuddle, they fight, it's madness. And it just reminds me that that's all I really want to be, a sillie do0d with the mental capacity to be serious when he needs to and to entertain others.

Fuck you adulthood, fuck you adulthoof, fuck you hipsterdom, I'm getting a tattoo of a sharkboy with a speech bubble that says 'Stay Fun Eddie!' cause THATs how you spell my name, and THATs what I want.

cha cha cha

Merton Mertle the Purple Turtle

A few things have occurred to me today, one of was a piece of wisdom handed down to me by this guy who was wearing a nice blazer that i looked at one day, and then i saw it on today and thought, 'boy-o, shoulda got that there blazer' but then i sort of passed the thought off, but now, as I write this, the thought has come back stronger than ever, like a bout of foodsickness, coming back for another round.

but that wasn't one of the things. One of the things was that Marley has my wallet, which is just the greatest news! I thought I had lost it forever! She's a real doll, and what a figure! Ooh that figure (/@Marley Merton, Barely Legal)

The other thing is that we need to take control of our own destiny, and that includes eating eggs when you want, saying no (NO!) to things like: gardening, getting hot and steamy, eating McDs for dinner, going to parties, not going to parties, and signing up for life insurance.

that's the other thing, i went to change my kiwisaver provider, and the lady is like 'uhhhh great, do you want to see the...' and im like 'NO!' and then she said, 'do you want to look at house and contents cover?' and I said 'NO! my parents do that FOR ME!' but i dont know if they do. Then she said, 'do you have life insurance?' and i laughed a little bit, but on the inside, but then i said 'NO! My PARENTS do it for me!' and she was sort of like, 'ohhh i dont think anyone but you can...' and I cut her off, being all 'I'LL TALK TO THEM WHEN I GET HOME' and then I left, but I forgot to take the ASB ballpoint pen, which was my plan all along.

PS i think the purple turtle at the top of the page is smokin' reefer, what a little rascal

What may eventually be referred to as, 'The End of an Era'

I used to use facebook all the time, and most of the things that I would do on facebook didn't really always make sense, and sometimes people made jokes about my facebooking, about how i was always online and about how i was one of facebook's most prominent users, but recently things have gotten pretty serious.

a couple of my closest friends have said that they had to hide me from their news feed

a girl i know started a '100 people to have Edward Warren kicked off facebook' group

I realised that I'd lost control, the internet was destroying relationships, the internet, who had once been a close friend of mine, was ruining my life. Everything cam crashing down around me, and I knew there was only one solution. Kill the machine. End my relationship with the book.

But that's where she gets you, you can delete your account easy enough, she asks you a few questions on your way out, 'why are you leaving me?' as you head for the door, 'you'll miss all the great times we used to have...' But you stand strong, and you go through with it, your facebook account is gone.

or is it?

what facebook does, is that she keeps all of your information, photographs, friends lists, previous posts, on her database, so that if you come back to www.facebook.com, and enter those details in the top right hand corner, knowing full well that you shouldn't be there, knowing that if you just dont click 'login' you could walk away and things would be fine.

but you get too close, and your will power isn't enough. You're back in the book. and the book looks at you like this 'yeah i thought you'd be back, feels good, don't it?'

which makes you resent her all the more.

facebook. you are the worst.

'you can blog about that if you want'

claire greaney just went to the bathroom and told me i could blog about it if i wanted but i dont know if she meant i could blog about her going to the bathroom or if she meant that i could blog about the other thing which we were talkingabout claire greaney wants to be lil kim, here's claire's rap

yo, this one goes out

this one goes out to all ma ladies, holdin down it down

hip hop honeys

yeah

boi dont frown

holdin you down

wen we go to town

we get gon get round

to gettin buck wild

hip hop child

dont call me mild

IM CLAIRE STYLE

killin rappers killin rappers killin rappers killin rappers killin rappers killin rappers killin rappers killin rappers killin rappers killin rappers killin rappers killin rappers killin rappers killin rappers killin rappers killin rappers killin rappers

gotta get get get to know na know know all the haters that be hatin and couples that be datin and claire greaney emaciatin herself from the latent (boundaries, floundering, dont stop now(dering))

lots of love

colonel mustard

Queen Janey Salamander Jones

Im trying to get my music career back on path, heres my latest song that ive written, you gotta imagine it like as if it was a really sad kind of ballad about a guy who's like in love with this girl but she thinks hes really wierd but he plays it off like he doesnt really care but hes really sad and his toes are cold cause he doesnt have any woollen socks

"(intro)

hey girl

bayyyyby girl

im here for you on the street, got my ... got my... love eyes on

and ive been

\running through my own head,

\lying in my own bed,

\eats lots of warm bread,

but you're not here....

to share this bread with me

and it makes me real sad, that you're not down with my styles, i love you baby girl, im sorry for being this crazy feller,

got you these chocolates,

but i forgot-lates

that you are not-lates

able to eat cocoa, cause it makes ...you...sick.... and gives you migranes

(refrain)

yeahhh..

woahhh, woahhh

(breakdown)

(john mayer, guitar solo)

check out the website."

so thats my new song, hope you guys think its good, let me know if you wanna do a collab or anything

(NB Any names used in this song/blog post are probably based on someone that YOU KNOW!)